Are you a Swinger?

You know your a swinger when...

    • 1. You are wearing wristbands in most of your vacation photos.
    • 2. Half of the numbers on your cell phone are listed only by screen names.
    • 3. You are running out of reasons to tell your coworkers why you can't go out with them this weekend.
    • 4. You have over 100,000 frequent flyer miles on Air Jamaica.
    • 5. You know most of your friends' names only as couples (Rich and Joy, Frank and Jen) but you don't know their last names.
    • 6. You go to a convention with three huge suitcases, yet are wearing the same outfit when you return as you did when you left.
    • 7. You had already seen pictures of your friends naked before you ever met them in person.
    • 8. You position the computer screen in your home office in such a way that your children can't possibly sneak up on you.
    • 9. You can't remember the last time you had pubic hair.
    • 10. Before traveling somewhere on business or to visit relatives you look up couples in the area.
    • 11. You worry about explaining to the neighbors why 10 couples show up on a Saturday night carrying overnight bags and don't leave until Sunday afternoon...
    • 12. You never open your garage door until you're in the car with the doors closed.
    • 13. Your gynecologist wonders why you're asking for birth control when he knows that your husband has had a vasectomy.
    • 14. Your hot tub has never had a bathing suit worn in it.
    • 15. Your sex toy collection costs more than your china set.
    • 16. Your wife has a shirt that says: "I Like Girls Too."
    • 17. You have a stripper pole in the middle of your den.
    • 18. You giggle at the golf course when someone asks if they can join your foursome.
    • 19. The last thing you typically do at a party in the search for your wife's thong.
    • 20. You've hugged your friend's goodnight while naked.

 

Swingers Club Blog - Tabu Maryland

 

    • 21. You hear the word "Playmate" and your first thought is not "Playboy"
    • 22. The word "slut" has become a term of endearment.
    • 23. You carry lube as often as lipstick.
    • 24. Your choice in new carpeting is heavily based on which type won't give you rug burns.
    • 25. You've taken your Liberator with you to a dinner party.
    • 26. The term Vanilla isn't just a flavor to you anymore.
    • 27. You have a full-length mirror in your bedroom... On your ceiling.
    • 28. You are constantly encouraging your kids to spend the weekend at friends' houses.
    • 29. You don't think twice about wearing a short skirt, high heels and fishnets when there is three feet of snow on the ground.
    • 30. Your wedding reception has an after-party.
    • 31. You go to Las Vegas, but never gamble or leave the hotel.
    • 32. You panic when your friend's digital camera goes missing.
    • 33. You've invited friends over and watched porn.
    • 34. You've invited friends over and made porn.
    • 35. You've watched someone do a tequila shot off of your wife's bare ass.

 

Swing Lifestyle

 

    • 36. Your friends know what brand of condom you prefer.
    • 37. You wake up in the morning and find that half of the cloths on the floor don't fit you or your wife.
    • 38. Your kids think it's normal for adults to have sleepovers.
    • 39. A hot tub is considered a necessity, not a luxury.
    • 40. You believe in Unicorns... Because you've actually ridden one.
    • 41. You leave the kids at home when you go to the toy store.
    • 42. You've taken photos of yourself with your head out of frame, And it was on purpose.
    • 43. You can't decide which of your three naughty schoolgirl outfits you should wear this weekend.
    • 44. You always keep a supply of condoms, lube and clean hand towels by your bed... And your guest bed... And your couch in the living room.
    • 45. The employees fight to take your order at the One Hour Photo.
    • 46. You frequently use the term "Friends of friends" when explaining how you know certain people.
    • 47. You know which of your outfits looks best under a black light.
    • 48. You have an entire closet devoted just too themed outfits.
    • 49. You place a want ad that reads: "Wanted: Reliable babysitter who is willing to stay till sunrise and doesn't ask any questions."
    • 50. You ask the salesman at the furniture store which type of upholstery best repels semen stains.
    • 51. The staff of Hedonism III sends you birthday cards.
    • 52. You come home with that, "There's Something About Mary" hairstyle.
    • 53. The babysitter wonders why you are always already wearing your full-length coat when she arrives.
    • 54. In the gym shower, you're the only guy with shaved balls.
    • 55. You know the most flattering angle at which to photograph your genitals.
    • 56. Half of your vacation photos were taken in your hotel room.
    • 57. You have a free place to stay in almost all the fifty states and several cities in Europe.
    • 58. You've closed your e-mails with "Bi-Bi".
    • 59. You can expertly identify the tactile differences between every type of breast implant ever created.
    • 60. At Christmas, there are certain presents that can't be opened in front of your family.
    • 61. You know exactly which of your friends are allergic to latex.
    • 62. Your vanilla friends ask why they are never invited to your parties.
    • 63. The movie "Swingers" was a huge disappointment for you.
    • 64. It's an unwritten law that you can't call any of your friends on Saturday or Sunday until at least 3 p.m. so you don't wake them up.

 

Tabu Travel

 

    • 65. You've become especially good at operating your digital camera with one hand.
    • 66. At your "normal" parties no one can go into the basement because you're afraid someone will notice the sex-swing.
    • 67. You're constantly afraid that visiting relatives will pop-in one of the home videos that you forgot to hide.
    • 68. You make bets with other swinger friends about how long it will take to corrupt your cute vanilla girlfriend.
    • 69. You're in a public place and you swear you hear someone shout your screen name.
    • 70. Before introducing them to your visiting family, you pull your friends aside and say, "OK, here's how we know each other..."
    • 71. You start having withdrawals after two days without internet access.
    • 72. When someone asks where you're staying on your trip to Cancun, you pretend that you can't remember the name of the resort.
    • 73. You ask a girlfriend to teach you: "That thing you do with your tongue that my husband enjoys so much."
    • 74. In the middle of sex with your spouse, you ask someone else to take over for a minute while you go to the restroom.
    • 75. You are more concerned about a pimple on your privates than on your face.
    • 76. You come back from vacation and you have a tan, but no tan lines.
    • 77. The first thing you do checking into a hotel is to ask for a lot of extra towels.
    • 78. All the men bring their wives to your bachelor party.
    • 79. Making it an early night means getting home before 3 a.m.
    • 80. You've handed out business cards to people, but the cards have nothing to do with your occupation.
    • 81. Your sexual fantasies never last very long... Because they keep coming true!
    • 82. You are hanging around vanilla friends and you absentmindedly squeeze their butts.
    • 83. You erase your computer's browser history and cache every time you leave your office.
    • 84. You buy lap dances for your wife... And vice versa.
    • 85. You own a double-headed dildo.
    • 86. You're still smiling on Monday morning about something you did on Saturday night.
    • 87. You're at the market, and the only things in your basket are condoms, breath mints, and Red Bull.
    • 88. On vacation, you set aside time to stage a bunch of photos that are acceptable to show to your family.
    • 89. After 25 years, people still ask if you're newlyweds.
    • 90. You've had sex with more people since you've been married than you did when you were single.
    • 91. Going to vanilla bars ranks right up there with a root canal.
    • 92. The only time you go out with your vanilla friends is when you're on your period.
    • 93. Your husband has lipstick on his collar and he smells like another woman's perfume and it brings a smile to your face.

 

Tabu Gear and Swag

 

    • 94. On Monday morning you are glad to go back to work so you can get some rest.
    • 95. You spend the whole week before your parents arrive calling all your friends telling them not to call your answering machine while your parents are in town.
    • 96. You get really tired of not making it to McDonald's before they quit serving breakfast Sunday morning (on your way home).
    • 97. You have an entire external hard-drive devoted to nothing but your party photos.
    • 98. Your spouse is having an orgasm, while you are busy in the other room discussing the stock market.
    • 99. You spent twice as long on your online profile than you did on your resume.
    • 100. If you are reading this and laughing because many of these describe you...
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