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Tabu Swingers Club


You know you're a Swinger when...


  • 1. You are wearing wristbands in most of your vacation photos.
  • 2. Half of the numbers on your cellphone are listed only by screen names.
  • 3. You are running out of reasons to tell your coworkers why you can't go out with them this weekend.
  • 4. You have over 100,000 frequent flyer miles on Air Jamaica.
  • 5. You know most of your friends' names only as couples (Rich and Joy, Frank and Jen) but you don't know their last names.
  • 6. You go to a convention with three huge suitcases, yet are wearing the same outfit when you return as you did when you left.
  • 7. You had already seen pictures of your friends naked before you ever met them in person.
  • 8. You position the computer screen in your home office in such a way that your children can't possibly sneak up on you.
  • 9. You can't remember the last time you had pubic hair.
  • 10. Before traveling somewhere on business or to visit relatives you look up couples in the area.
  • 11. You worry about explaining to the neighbors why 10 couples show up on a Saturday night carrying over night bags and don't leave until Sunday afternoon...
  • 12. You never open your garage door until you're in the car with the doors closed.
  • 13. Your gynecologist wonders why you're asking for birth control when he knows that your husband has had a vasectomy.
  • 14. Your hot tub has never had a bathing suit worn in it.
  • 15. Your sex toy collection costs more than your china set.
  • 16. Your wife has a shirt that says: "I Like Girls Too."
  • 17. You have a strippers pole in the middle of your den.
  • 18. You giggle at the golf course when someone asks if they can join your foursome.
  • 19. The last thing you typically do at a party is search for your wife's thong.
  • 20. You've hugged your friends goodnight while naked.

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  • 21. You hear the word "Playmate" and your first thought is not "Playboy"
  • 22. The word "slut" has become a term of endearment.
  • 23. You carry lube as often as lipstick.
  • 24. Your choice in new carpeting is heavily based on which type won't give you rug burns.
  • 25. You've taken your Liberator with you to a dinner party.
  • 26. The term Vanilla isn't just a flavor to you anymore.
  • 27. You have a full-length mirror in your bedroom... On your ceiling.
  • 28. You are constantly encouraging your kids to spend the weekend at friends' houses.
  • 29. You don't think twice about wearing a short skirt, high heels and fishnets when there is three feet of snow on the ground.
  • 30. Your wedding reception has an after party.
  • 31. You go to Las Vegas, but never gamble or leave the hotel.
  • 32. You panic when your friend's digital camera goes missing.
  • 33. You've invited friends over and watched porn.
  • 34. You've invited friends over and made porn.
  • 35. You've watched someone do a tequila shot off of your wife's bare ass.

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  • 36. Your friends know what brand of condom you prefer.
  • 37. You wake up in the morning and find that half of the cloths on the floor don't fit you or your wife.
  • 38. Your kids think it's normal for adults to have sleepovers.
  • 39. A hot tub is considered a necessity not a luxury.
  • 40. You believe in Unicorns... Because you've actually ridden one.
  • 41. You leave the kids at home when you go to the toy store.
  • 42. You've taken photos of yourself with your head out of frame; And it was on purpose.
  • 43. You can't decide which of your three naughty schoolgirl outfits you should wear this weekend.
  • 44. You always keep a supply of condoms, lube and clean hand towels by your bed... And your guest bed... And your couch in the living room.
  • 45. The employees fight to take your order at the One Hour Photo.
  • 46. You frequently use the term "Friends of friends" when explaining how you know certain people.
  • 47. You know which of your outfits looks best under a black light.
  • 48. You have an entire closet devoted just to themed outfits.
  • 49. You place a want ad that reads: "Wanted: Reliable babysitter who is willing to stay till sunrise and doesn't ask any questions."
  • 50. You ask the sales man at the furniture store which type of upholstery best repels semen stains.
  • 51. The staff of Hedonism III sends you birthday cards.
  • 52. You come home with that, "There's Something About Mary" hairstyle.
  • 53. The babysitter wonders why you are always already wearing your full-length coat when she arrives.
  • 54. In the gym shower you're the only guy with shaved balls.
  • 55. You know the most flattering angle at which to photograph your genitals.
  • 56. Half of your vacation photos were taken in your hotel room.
  • 57. You have a free place to stay in almost all the fifty states and several cities in Europe.
  • 58. You've closed your e-mails with "Bi Bi".
  • 59. You can expertly identify the tactile differences between every type of breast implant ever created.
  • 60. On Christmas, there are certain presents that can't be opened in front of your family.
  • 61. You know exactly which of your friends are allergic to latex.
  • 62. Your vanilla friends ask why they are never invited to your parties.
  • 63. The movie "Swingers" was a huge disappointment to you.
  • 64. It's an unwritten law that you can't call any of your friends on Saturday or Sunday until at least 3 p.m. so you don't wake them up.

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  • 65. You've become especially good at operating your digital camera with one hand.
  • 66. At your "normal" parties no one can go into the basement because you're afraid someone will notice the sex-swing.
  • 67. You're constantly afraid that visiting relatives will pop-in one of your home videos that you forgot to hide.
  • 68. You make bets with other swinger friends about how long it will take to corrupt your cute vanilla girlfriend.
  • 69. You're in a public place and you swear you hear someone shout your screen name.
  • 70. Before introducing them to your visiting family, you pull your friends aside and say, "OK, here's how we know each other..."
  • 71. You start having withdrawals after two days without internet access.
  • 72. When someone asks where you're staying on your trip to Cancun, you pretend that you can't remember the name of the resort.
  • 73. You ask a girlfriend to teach you: "That thing you do with your tongue that my husband enjoys so much."
  • 74. In the middle of sex with your spouse, you ask someone else to take over for a minute while you go to the restroom.
  • 75. You are more concerned about a pimple on your privates than on your face.
  • 76. You come back from vacation and you have a tan, but no tan lines.
  • 77. The first thing you do checking into a hotel is to ask for a lot of extra towels.
  • 78. All the men bring their wives to your bachelor party.
  • 79. Making it an early night means getting home before 3 a.m.
  • 80. You've handed out business cards to people, but the cards have nothing to do with your occupation.
  • 81. Your sexual fantasies never last very long... Because they keep coming true!
  • 82. You are hanging around vanilla friends and you absentmindedly squeeze their butts.
  • 83. You erase your computer's browser history and cache every time you leave your office.
  • 84. You buy lap dances for your wife... And vice versa.
  • 85. You own a double-headed dildo.
  • 86. You're still smiling on Monday morning about something you did on Saturday night.
  • 87. You're at the market, and the only things in your basket are condoms, breath mints and Red Bull.
  • 88. On vacation you set aside time to stage a bunch of photos that are acceptable to show to your family.
  • 89. After 25 years, people still ask if you're newlyweds.
  • 90. You've had sex with more people since you've been married than you did when you were single.
  • 91. Going to vanilla bars ranks right up there with a root canal.
  • 92. The only time you go out with your vanilla friends is when you're on your period.
  • 93. Your husband has lipstick on his collar and he smells like another woman's perfume and it brings a smile to your face.

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  • 94. On Monday morning you are glad to go back to work so you can get some rest.
  • 95. You spend the whole week before your parents arrive calling all you friends telling them not to call your answering machine while your parents are in town.
  • 96. You get really tired of not making it to McDonalds before they quit serving breakfast Sunday morning (on your way home).
  • 97. You have an entire external hard-drive devoted to nothing but your party photos.
  • 98. Your spouse is having an orgasm, while you are busy in the other room discussing the stock market.
  • 99. You spent twice as long on your online profile than you did on your resume.
  • 100. If you are reading this and laughing because many of these describe you...

That's a pretty good sign that you are a swinger!